To believe or not to believe?

It's like I'm spending my life trying too hard to prove that I am not evil, that I am worthy of existence. At the core is a need for me to believe the opposite. How is it that while I am able to coach others to find and trust their own inner value system I still struggle to have faith in mine? I see a blackboard covered in white chalk words that must be rubbed off, the slate clean of other people's judgement in order for me to start again with my own. I have spent the past 5 years writing over the top in an assortment of rainbow coloured chalk. While the rainbow words are positively beautiful, the white chalk is not obliterated, it remains, hidden, yet no less powerful. It keeps me bound. I want to break free.

More strangeness in the night

I've had a week of disturbed nights: bad dreams, alien forces, wailing woefully. I struggle with where to begin, the untangling too mammoth a task. Repeated rape from a little known, innocent, face from the past or being flung across the room by a seemingly supernatural force. Is it all death anxiety? I feel disturbed, like there's a kernel of evil misplaced inside. My redeemer, my self, but how?